I'm about to get a little Swiftian on you. Taylor I mean, not Jonathan. We're going to talk about heartbreak.
I feel beyond blessed to have found an incredible man. He makes me feel more myself than I have ever been. Looking back though, I kissed a lot of frogs to finally find my prince. So this post is for my younger self. The one who didn’t understand how to mend her heart, and whether it was even a worthwhile venture. I hope it helps anyone else who is hurting the way I often did.
My dearest girl,
You have known a dazzling kaleidoscope of maybes and heartbreaks. The one who crafted daydreams out of his darkness. The one who was too scared of being hurt so he scarred you instead. The one who craved your friendship till you needed him back. The one who vanished with a slice of you and your designer sunglasses.
I know how much this hurts. What you thought were approaching knights in shining armour turned out to be banged up aluminum up close. This is me telling you to rescue yourself from now on (weapons safety and your lack of coordination be damned).
You will soon realize that if they had truly wanted to be with you, they would have. No. Matter. What. I promise you will shake your head at the panoply of excuses you used on their behalf. Darling, don’t chase shadows like it’s your job. You can’t weave hopes out of hollow whispers. Those will always let you down.
You may have loved the idea of him, the potential of what you could have been together. But the reality of who you can be all by yourself is far more amazing. I know you feel “half-baked”, like you’re not done growing. You’re right, you aren’t finished learning. As you grow, build healthy emotional habits. You don’t need to sustain yourself on proverbial cookie dough, you deserve so much more!
The ‘aha’ moment happens when you realize that someone who genuinely enriches your life will not make you sweat tirelessly. They may hurt you, challenge you, and ultimately you may part ways. But they will meet your bar of basic expectations. Demanding as much is not wrong. Though often we are told otherwise; to lower our standards, be more accommodating. Being flexible and understanding are wonderful qualities. Just don't trade in your expectations of respect along the way.
It once mattered deeply to me why someone didn’t call, didn’t notice, didn’t reply; didn’t have his doughy shit together. Now I simply accept it as what they have chosen. You will feel so free the day you accept that you can't control their actions, but you have every sense of dominion over your reaction. In realizing this, I learned to let go. I gave myself permission to stop waiting. For a text, a call, a change of heart. If it happens welcome it. Champion renewed beginnings. ‘Til then, get busy pouring that love inward.
Love always,
Your Older (but still clumsy) Self